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A Prescritpion For Being OK When Things Are Not

I wrote the following words years ago:

“Stress is just the human response to change. We tend to think stress is a negative thing. We try to avoid it, manage it, and medicate it. The problem with this is that the very nature of life is change! This means we’re trying to avoid, manage, and medicate life. This is crazy! What if, instead of managing or avoiding stress, we accept it as a way of life and are strategic about navigating it?”
~Module One, The Performance Project

Little did I know I was writing to my future self! Before 2023 came along and bludgeoned me with CHANGE, I used to wonder: Would I be OK if something terrible happened? Would I be able to hold space for others’ grief if I was already full-up with my own? Would I continue to inhabit my sunny suit of strength if life required me to remember to breathe?

Now, as we roll into 2025, I know the answer is yes.

Some of us reach a moment in life that becomes the “before.” The moment that happens just before the event that changes everything. Or maybe it is a day that changes everything. Or as it was for me- a year that is still changing everything.

My future used to feel like a forest path unwinding before me. Now, it feels like a craggy trail. I step gingerly and watch for falling rock. I keep walking, but a wistful sepia colors my rearview; I wince and look away before memories become too burning to bear. Eyes ahead.

In 2023, much of what I have worked for came to a screeching halt. On the cusp of what I thought would be a fresh season of joy (Empty-nesting! Traveling! Riding!), a series of events left me with a life I did not recognize. In June, I navigated the tragic euthanasia of my horse, Locke, and, as it turned out, the death of my farm life, as well. My son’s injury in July changed our lives irrevocably. On August 19th, as Coulter began his life in a wheelchair, states away, I lay with our old dog, Jem, for his last breath. We said goodbye in an empty house, surrounded by the echoes of five-year-old boys playing with newborn puppies. Coulter’s beloved childhood pony, Cougar, passed away a few days later. In September, circumstances required a move from the house we’d lived in for twenty years, and I sold or gave away many of my material belongings. Coulter lost his job this year and moved home to live with us in the barn. He sleeps in what was the tack room we shared for his whole horse-filled childhood. I sleep in what was Locke’s stall. Many of my long-nursed dreams have died. Viewed through a particular lens, my life might look like a wasteland of unmet expectations and unrealized plans.

And yet, I am OK. Silver linings are woven throughout this tapestry of loss. And a new depth of experience- high hills of relief, low valleys of despair, dark corners of fear, deepened relationships, and swells of gratitude. A singular shining gift has risen from the ashes of 2023: I no longer rely on things going well to be ok.

Here is my prescription for being OK when things are not:

  1. Take deep breaths and exhale very slowly. When anxiety builds like a wave in your chest, your breath is a storm of calm. Pay attention and give it time to work its magic. Breathing is an autonomic function, but it does not multi-task well.
  2. Do not expect to “get through grief.” If you find yourself wondering when it will open its icy grip, remember- you will not be paralyzed by grief but honed by it. Similarly, I choose, every day, to believe Coulter’s character will be made resilient by hardship rather than made weary by it.
  3. If you wake up feeling sorry for yourself, read Mary Oliver’s poem, The Summer Day.You have only one wild and precious life. It is your own life you waste if you compare it to others; It is your own heart you break. Existential rage lands nowhere and means nothing. You are here to eat sugar out of life’s hands.
  4. When you are in despair, smile at strangers as if they are stars in your sky. Indulge the urge to tell your friends you love them when you get off the phone or part ways. Be kind when you feel you have no kindness left.
  5. Walk off worry. When you’re afraid, your nervous system jumps into high gear like a lion is chasing you. For months leading up to Locke’s death, my nervous system felt as if it was running a marathon. And after Coulter’s accident, it started sprinting. Walking gives fear a place to go so it doesn’t seep into your organs and poison your mind.
  6. Be an attendee in your own life. I notice the feeling of a warm mug in my hands. I appreciate a wince-free conversation with Coulter. I find unreasonable joy in a win texted to me by a client and extreme comfort in the weight of a dog on my feet. Raise your hand for roll call each morning.

The nature of life is CHANGE. We can fight CHANGE to the death or, like Mary Oliver’s grasshopper, fling ourselves from the grass and look for sugar. I’ll see you out there!

Mary Oliver reads “The Summer Day” (aka “The Grasshopper”)

New Cadence Coaching Offerings for 2025: 

  1. Quarterly “Kick-On” Coaching: Q1

(Because I am now an expert in kicking on!)

Crisp up your Commitment to being great for yourself (or your horse) this year!

Partner with me to kick off the new quarter.

Get the support and motivation you need to stay on track and create a rock-solid foundation for achieving your goals.

Honor your 2025 commitments to yourself.

Offer Expires February 15th

What you’ll get:

·       A New Quarter Planning & Power Hour

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  1. Quarterly “Kick-On” Coaching: Full Year

Offer Expires February 15th, 2025

What you’ll get:

·       Four Planning & Power Hour Strategic Coaching Sessions- One Each Quarter

·       Ongoing email support throughout the year

·       Accountability, structure, fun, and a dreaming & scheming partner!  

Click here to get started.

  1. The Performance Projectis newly updated and better than ever!

$179 until February 15th! Use Coupon Code: TPP2025

  1. Cadence Clinicsare back this year! Limited spots available- email support@jenverharen ASAP if you want to set something up for your organization or group. Virtual, in-person, unmounted, and mounted options.

As always, thank you for allowing me to do what I love every day.